Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.