Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.