Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
adam and eve had first world problems
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about