Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

“you recording!?”

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.