them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You Might Also Like
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Sharon, call the vet
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.