Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.