Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Home is where your toilet is.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Every work call, he judges.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.