Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
hi why am I like this
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
