Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
There’s no “us” in nachos.