Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.