THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.