Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag