Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

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Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

time machine? you mean a clock?

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf