Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.