Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Windchimes
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35