Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?