them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
So glad we cleared that up
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.