them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
🌱🌱🌱
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.