Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
#DesignFail
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.