Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

I will never stop laughing at this

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

❤️🦆

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.