Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

No.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

welp