Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Britain be like
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours