Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?