Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
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Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Perfect
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
🤣😈🤣
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Sooo many times…..
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What