Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Uh oh 👀

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

cats when you pet them too long:

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way