Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.