them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Bill is short for Billiam
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
lost dog
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.