them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Easy enough.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch