them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]


I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.


I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”


I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.


GENIE: okay, 3 wishes

ME: i want Sean Connery to recite She sells sea shells-

GENIE: that’s two

ME: in the form of a rap

SEAN CONNERY: {clears throat} gimme a shick beat


Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

Me: thanks God!


me: *getting down on one knee*

my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening

me: *tightening my velcro strap* what


I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.


If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.