Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
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Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
This is a whole mood;
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?