Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Worth a try
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars