Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

well this is just bullshirt

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.