Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I wanna be friends with this person
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The collective noun for a group of gorillas should be a ‘kongregation’.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?