Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
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when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time