Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

A completely valid reaction tbh

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?