Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

That’s incredible! 👌

Support your local cemetery

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

I’m not proud

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.