Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you