Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”