Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.


What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.


My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like “You’re five years old? When I was your age I was six!”


Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.


Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.


I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive


reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback


Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.


Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]