Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
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You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
A game married people play.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.