Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
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[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.