Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
The point of your 20s
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Feel. He’s so soft.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Quadruple digit IQ
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.