Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

can’t catch a break

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.