Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
You Might Also Like
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Every
Single
Year
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.