Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Bond. Trauma bond.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Lol
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.