Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
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Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Oh we’ve met.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old