Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
