contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
You Might Also Like
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
And bowling should be called pinball
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half