them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Twitter fine art
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.