them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
