Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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out-housing market appears to be strong
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes