THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
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Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?