Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
can’t believe I got front row seats
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls