Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Science memes
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.