Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
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“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
The three genders.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.