Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.