Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set