Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

This rocks

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.