Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

How it started: How it’s going:

I can’t be the only one 😂

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.