Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

in 3 months

who named him groot and not spruce lee

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

When you can’t find your friend Neil

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Travel bloggers during quarantine

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

certified hallow’s eve classic

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.