Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I am also baked goods

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF