Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”