Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
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I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
That’s it.I’m out.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently