Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.