Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!