Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

🔦🌙👣

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores