Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Real 😅

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.