Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

If snakes were wide

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.